|How to Win Elections and Alienate People
||[Apr. 27th, 2010|01:30 pm]
Run for office. Promise if you win, everyone gets a lollipop. |
Announce that you have commission in place to ensure everyone gets a lollipop. Opposition Party is immediately up in arms and doesn't think everyone should get a lollipop*. Supporters wonder if a bag of gummy bears would be a better option.
Realize you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you give everyone lollipops as promised, Opposition Party can claim that you aren't supporting the wants and needs millions of countrymen who didn't vote for you and are not accurately representing the country as a whole. If you renege on your campaign promise, then you are a big stinky liar for going back on your campaign platform. Your Supporters will become disenchanted, and Opposition Party will point out that you are not a man or woman of your word.
Plan B: Attempt to Please Everyone
Instead of lollipops, everyone in your nation will be mailed a 3" x 5" card with the word "Lollipop" printed on it. Your Supporters see you as someone who is pandering to the Opposition Party with an empty gesture. Opposition Party is still upset because you are doing something and you shouldn't be doing anything but packing your bags. It also turns out that setting up the system to mail out 3" x 5" cards costs three times as much as giving everyone a lollipop.
No-one is happy.
Go on national television and explain that it will take six years to mail out all the 3" x 5" cards, and you are only in office for four years unless you get re-elected HINT HINT. If everyone wants their 3" x 5" card, it may behoove them to re-elect you, otherwise Opposition Party may take over and then everyone gets nothing.
Ten years later go on a speaking tour and complain about how politics prevented you from getting anything done.
Lather. Vote. Repeat.
* - If you are a liberal candidate, Opposition Party claims that George Washington didn't eat lollipops and the words "Lollipop", "Tootsie Pop", or "DumDums" do not appear in the Constitution. If you are a conservative candidate, Opposition Party will point out that lollipops are manufactured by large soulless corporations and can contribute to diabetes. If you are a centrist, expect all of the above.