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"No, it's your fault." "No, it's your fault." "No, it's your fault." "No, it's your fault." - The Worst Damn Sports Show Period [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Schwa Love

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"No, it's your fault." "No, it's your fault." "No, it's your fault." "No, it's your fault." [Feb. 22nd, 2009|12:28 pm]
Schwa Love
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Scene 1. Billy is in his living room watching television.

Television Commercial Narrator: Hey, hungry? You should buy some Big Macs!

Billy (to himself): Gosh, I sure would like a Big Mac, but I hear they are bad for you.

Television Commercial Narrator: Worried about weight gain? Eat all you want! You can just lose the weight later, piece of cake. In fact, have some cake. Just ask this nutritionist.

Television Commercial Nutritionist: Did you know you can eat all the delicious juicy Big Macs and cake you want, and if you decide you are too fat, you can go on a diet and actually be _healthier_ than you are now? It's a well known fact that everyone who stops eating Big Macs is healthier than when they started.

Television Commercial Narrator: If only the FDA didn't put a limit on the number of Big Macs you could eat, you could be even healthier. That's government regulation for you.

Billy (to himself): Sounds silly, but I am hungry, and he is a nutritionist. But this is a TV commercial for Big Macs. He probably wants my money.

Billy changes the channel.

Senator Freedom (on C-SPAN): ...is the dream of every citizen to eat Big Macs, and sometimes cake. Purchasing Big Macs, eating them, then not eating them will make our country healthier.

Billy (to himself): I could just eat some salad and fruit. But hell, if I eat Big Macs, it sounds like as soon as I'm sick of them, I'll be better off. Still, I need a second—I mean third—opinion.


Scene 2. Billy is visiting his doctor.

Doctor Awesome: So Billy, getting enough Big Macs? And cake?

Billy: Weird. That's why I was here. I wanted to know if I should eat some Big Macs and cake. I thought it was a bad idea once, I think, but I dunno. My memory is a little fuzzy. I really want some Big Macs. Aren't there risks of some sort?

Doctor Awesome: Actually, by eating protein-enriched Big Macs and then giving them up, you will be benefitting in the long run. As soon as you give up, your body will be even healthier. Your system will then be strong enough for bacon coated donuts, which will make you even healthier in the long run. It's just common sense and good nutritional planning. Let me fill out a prescription for you. Just make sure you take it to the stand setup behind the building rather than your regular pharmacist.

Billy: Well, you are a doctor.


Scene 3. Five years later.

Billy (now seven hundred pounds and unable to leave his couch): I can't feel my hands.


Scene 4. Doctor Awesome is at home with his guests, Television Commercial Nutritionist and Television Commercial Narrator watching C-SPAN

Senator Freedom (on television): We're just going to take your money now so we can buy some crystal meth so everyone who was tricked by predatory hamburgers can find the energy to get off the couch and get healthy again. Eventually. But still eat cake.

Television Commercial Nutritionist (sitting on Doctor Awesome's couch): Pfft. It's their own fault for getting fat. I didn't eat any Big Macs, so why should I be giving them crystal meth?

Television Commercial Narrator (also sitting on Doctor Awesome's couch): Seriously.

Doctor Awesome (yelling at the television): Fuck you bastard, you ain't getting my money!

Television Commercial Nutritionist: Hey, pass me some more of that bailout cake.


Scene 5. Ten years later. No-one was able to have hamburgers or cake or fruit or vegetables or crystal meth ever again.

THE END!
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: shinydiscopaul
2009-02-22 09:38 pm (UTC)
Best story ever.

And now I want cake, you fucker.
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[User Picture]From: animatus
2009-02-22 11:05 pm (UTC)
Strange, I want crystal meth.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: shinydiscopaul
2009-02-22 11:10 pm (UTC)
As long as no one wants a Big Mac, I think we're good.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: ariadne
2009-02-23 12:10 am (UTC)
*starts to say something then closes mouth and slinks off looking guilty*
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[User Picture]From: notr
2009-02-23 07:09 pm (UTC)

Well worth it

to keep that crystal meth out of everyone's hands, right? Excuse me while I go down to the drug store for my daily allotment of pseudoephedrine.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: schwa242
2009-02-24 09:15 pm (UTC)

Re: Well worth it

Yeah, but they keep it behind the counter now because it can be used to make crystal meth. Thanks to measures like that, I need a prescription for baking sode.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: radarlove
2009-02-24 08:17 am (UTC)
Dude I'm at work and I laughed so hard at this that I damn near shit my pants.
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[User Picture]From: schwa242
2009-02-24 09:15 pm (UTC)
Stop talking dirty to me.
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From: anomalypixy
2009-02-24 11:28 pm (UTC)
Fucking Hilarious:)
(Reply) (Thread)