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Virgin Butterfly Wings [Feb. 26th, 2011|03:04 pm]
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[Current Location |San Francisco]
[Like omigod I feel so |hungover]

When time travel comes about, it's not going to be noble trips in time to stop Kennedy's assassination, or killing dinosaurs for fun, or finding out who's life your hologram buddy is there to help you fix. When time travel comes about, it will be developed by a company with massive resources, wanting to turn a profit. And time travel will become a tourist industry.

"Oh my gosh, your pilgrim outfits are perfect! I mean, there's no buckles, but still. Oh they are just adorable!"

"Really, game hens for Thanksgiving? Oh you don't call it that yet? Oh ho ho! Oh you will!"

"Look, I'll trade you my iPod for those shoes. Took you that long to make them? Yeah, but this has Jay-Z. It'll blow your mind, man! Am I freaking you out?"

"Your food is so organic. You don't know how lucky you have it!"

And previous generations will be irritated and continue to live as they do, in pre-industrial fashion under constant threat of roaming marauders, dying because of toothaches that got out of hand, and coping with a 25% infant mortality rate. And the world over, various stone architecture will be engraved with the words, "Time Travellers, Stay Thee Away From Our Era! Thou Art Not Welcome!" They will have somehow just always been there, written in perfect English, even by cultures that existed before the language did.

Time travelers… what a bunch of assholes.
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How to Win Elections and Alienate People [Apr. 27th, 2010|01:30 pm]
Run for office. Promise if you win, everyone gets a lollipop.

Win election.

Announce that you have commission in place to ensure everyone gets a lollipop. Opposition Party is immediately up in arms and doesn't think everyone should get a lollipop*. Supporters wonder if a bag of gummy bears would be a better option.

Realize you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you give everyone lollipops as promised, Opposition Party can claim that you aren't supporting the wants and needs millions of countrymen who didn't vote for you and are not accurately representing the country as a whole. If you renege on your campaign promise, then you are a big stinky liar for going back on your campaign platform. Your Supporters will become disenchanted, and Opposition Party will point out that you are not a man or woman of your word.

Plan B: Attempt to Please Everyone

Instead of lollipops, everyone in your nation will be mailed a 3" x 5" card with the word "Lollipop" printed on it. Your Supporters see you as someone who is pandering to the Opposition Party with an empty gesture. Opposition Party is still upset because you are doing something and you shouldn't be doing anything but packing your bags. It also turns out that setting up the system to mail out 3" x 5" cards costs three times as much as giving everyone a lollipop.

No-one is happy.

Go on national television and explain that it will take six years to mail out all the 3" x 5" cards, and you are only in office for four years unless you get re-elected HINT HINT. If everyone wants their 3" x 5" card, it may behoove them to re-elect you, otherwise Opposition Party may take over and then everyone gets nothing.

Ten years later go on a speaking tour and complain about how politics prevented you from getting anything done.

Lather. Vote. Repeat.

* - If you are a liberal candidate, Opposition Party claims that George Washington didn't eat lollipops and the words "Lollipop", "Tootsie Pop", or "DumDums" do not appear in the Constitution. If you are a conservative candidate, Opposition Party will point out that lollipops are manufactured by large soulless corporations and can contribute to diabetes. If you are a centrist, expect all of the above.
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The S From Hell [Jan. 26th, 2010|11:10 am]
I may have spoken to you about scary production logos in the past (I've certainly linked to them enough times), and perhaps you thought me insane. "It's just something at the end of the show! Who cares?" When you're six, loud synthesizer tones mixed with an animated synthetic creation can seem like a demon from the pits of hell. And you know what? I am not alone! This informative video shows how just one has burned its mark on the psyches of many children, who as adults are still dealing with the emotional toll:



(via Deus Ex Malcontent)
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Don't Look [Sep. 23rd, 2009|08:45 pm]
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It's been a while. So make sure you

Don't Look


-- Schwa ---
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The future's so bright, I gotta wear a veil [Sep. 18th, 2009|09:24 pm]
My fears of what will happen as Gen X ages, replacing middle aged tie-dyed hippie Boomers has been realized!
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"Artist" Steals from Mez [Sep. 13th, 2009|12:52 pm]
Hey everybody! Mez got her first multiple copyright violation today. Here's what she has to say.
"So this motherfucker, www.myspace.com/derektattoos, has one of my pieces in his portfolio. You might want to see if he's using your hard work to drum up business as well. And please, repost the shit out of this so that everyone can see what scum sucking ass he is.

Not fucking cool.

He's also using some of my older work in his portfolio on rankmytattoos.com, under the user name of Dkastning. Who knows how much of the interwebs he's abused.

---Mez"

Go ahead and take a look at his awesome "portfolio" here http://www.rankmytattoos.com/tattoo-gallery/74028-dkastning-tattoo-pictures.html then check out some of Mez's flickr images:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/mezdeathhead/2417116953/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/mezdeathhead/425889120/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/mezdeathhead/2309041567/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/mezdeathhead/471400852/

The neat thing is, on at least two of these we can get photos of the person with the tattoo if need be as they live in town.
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I'm a Magician [Jul. 20th, 2009|05:25 pm]
[Annoying crap I'm listening to: |Vitamins - Annual Bi-Centennial]

Today, Mez is on the final day of one of the busiest weeks of her life. This morning I told her I would pick up the house this afternoon*, since we would likely get a house showing tomorrow morning at 9:00am preventing her from sleeping in, because the universe is just funny like that. We haven't had a showing in a week or so, and I had nothing to base it off of, other than chaos has a tendency to clump.

Got the call five minutes ago. My prediction was off by forty-five minutes.

Not that I'm complaining. A showing is always a good thing, and this will be the first one since one of the gutters was fixed and a window resealed, so now prospective home buyers won't have water damage to look at right next to the front door before they even go inside the house.

* - Haven't yet, as I'm busy restoring files off my boss' hard drive as his motherboard got fried this weekend
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A logo designer who needs to be fired doublewhammy for tongodeon [Jun. 11th, 2009|01:35 pm]
This is so awesome it has to be fake.
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What Time Is It Kids? [Apr. 21st, 2009|08:46 pm]
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Get the Facts! [Apr. 19th, 2009|02:01 pm]
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SCENE. A subarban kitchen. Two teenage brothers, BILLY and BOBBY enter the kitchen after a game of soccer outside. BILLY is carrying a soccer ball. BOBBY is opening the fridge door.
BILLY: Man, that was quite a soccer match. I'm so thirsty I could drink a horse!

BOBBY (Reaching into the fridge and grabbing a couple cans of CORN-BASED ETHANOL ENERGY AND VITAMIN TONICS. BOBBY tosses one to BILLY who catches it): Here, have some energy tonic!

BILLY (With a skeptical look on his face): He-e-e-e-y... isn't this made with ethanol? I thought you cared about being healthy enough to play soccer.

BOBBY (Smugly): What are you talking about?

BILLY (Like an annoying know-it-all): Well, you know what they say about corn-based ethanol, right?

BOBBY: No, what?

BILLY (Stammering): Uh. Well. Uh. DURRRRRR! DURRRRRRRRRR! DOIDY DOIDY DURRRRRR!

BOBBY: Relax! It's just corn!

BILLY (Relieved from the stress of attempting to cite a single fact, pops open his can of CORN-BASED ETHANOL ENERGY AND VITAMIN TONIC and takes a swig): Aaahhhh. Not bad!

BOBBY: And I thought you were supposed to be the smart one, big brother!

BILLY: Aw you, get over here you little fart! (BILLY grabs BOBBY and gives him noogies!)
Logo for CORN-BASED ETHANOL ENERGY AND VITAMIN TONIC flashes on the screen, as well as a website. Happy, folksy acoustic guitar plays.
NARRATOR: Before you panic, get the facts! CORN-BASED ETHANOL ENERGY AND VITAMIN TONIC is made with corn.

BILLY (vomiting): OH GOD IT BURNS!
-- Schwa ---
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Please Help! [Feb. 28th, 2009|12:06 pm]
Can someone identify this font for me (in the logo up top)? I am running into it way too often with work. I don't think it's a version of Crillee, but I don't know what it is. Seems to be very popular in the motocross industry.
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"No, it's your fault." "No, it's your fault." "No, it's your fault." "No, it's your fault." [Feb. 22nd, 2009|12:28 pm]
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Scene 1. Billy is in his living room watching television.

Television Commercial Narrator: Hey, hungry? You should buy some Big Macs!

Billy (to himself): Gosh, I sure would like a Big Mac, but I hear they are bad for you.

Television Commercial Narrator: Worried about weight gain? Eat all you want! You can just lose the weight later, piece of cake. In fact, have some cake. Just ask this nutritionist.

Television Commercial Nutritionist: Did you know you can eat all the delicious juicy Big Macs and cake you want, and if you decide you are too fat, you can go on a diet and actually be _healthier_ than you are now? It's a well known fact that everyone who stops eating Big Macs is healthier than when they started.

Television Commercial Narrator: If only the FDA didn't put a limit on the number of Big Macs you could eat, you could be even healthier. That's government regulation for you.

Billy (to himself): Sounds silly, but I am hungry, and he is a nutritionist. But this is a TV commercial for Big Macs. He probably wants my money.

Billy changes the channel.

Senator Freedom (on C-SPAN): ...is the dream of every citizen to eat Big Macs, and sometimes cake. Purchasing Big Macs, eating them, then not eating them will make our country healthier.

Billy (to himself): I could just eat some salad and fruit. But hell, if I eat Big Macs, it sounds like as soon as I'm sick of them, I'll be better off. Still, I need a second—I mean third—opinion.


Scene 2. Billy is visiting his doctor.

Doctor Awesome: So Billy, getting enough Big Macs? And cake?

Billy: Weird. That's why I was here. I wanted to know if I should eat some Big Macs and cake. I thought it was a bad idea once, I think, but I dunno. My memory is a little fuzzy. I really want some Big Macs. Aren't there risks of some sort?

Doctor Awesome: Actually, by eating protein-enriched Big Macs and then giving them up, you will be benefitting in the long run. As soon as you give up, your body will be even healthier. Your system will then be strong enough for bacon coated donuts, which will make you even healthier in the long run. It's just common sense and good nutritional planning. Let me fill out a prescription for you. Just make sure you take it to the stand setup behind the building rather than your regular pharmacist.

Billy: Well, you are a doctor.


Scene 3. Five years later.

Billy (now seven hundred pounds and unable to leave his couch): I can't feel my hands.


Scene 4. Doctor Awesome is at home with his guests, Television Commercial Nutritionist and Television Commercial Narrator watching C-SPAN

Senator Freedom (on television): We're just going to take your money now so we can buy some crystal meth so everyone who was tricked by predatory hamburgers can find the energy to get off the couch and get healthy again. Eventually. But still eat cake.

Television Commercial Nutritionist (sitting on Doctor Awesome's couch): Pfft. It's their own fault for getting fat. I didn't eat any Big Macs, so why should I be giving them crystal meth?

Television Commercial Narrator (also sitting on Doctor Awesome's couch): Seriously.

Doctor Awesome (yelling at the television): Fuck you bastard, you ain't getting my money!

Television Commercial Nutritionist: Hey, pass me some more of that bailout cake.


Scene 5. Ten years later. No-one was able to have hamburgers or cake or fruit or vegetables or crystal meth ever again.

THE END!
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Don't Look [Feb. 12th, 2009|12:47 am]
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Because I loooove being a killjoy [Feb. 10th, 2009|10:47 am]
Hope and Change
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I'm sorry, could you repeat that please? [Jan. 22nd, 2009|12:37 pm]
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The president and first lady do a lot of what?



-- Schwa ---
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Lame Numeric Anagrams Are the Best Kind of Anagrams [Jan. 20th, 2009|02:26 pm]
For fans of political transitions and bad nineties television:

Washington DC 12009

-- Schwa ---
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Pre-Inaguration Numbers [Jan. 19th, 2009|05:15 pm]
There's a little bump in one of my image's views.

Pre-Inaguration Stats

Not a big number mind you, but I wonder what the next forty-eight hours of stats will show.

-- Schwa ---
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Coffee may cause hallucinations [Jan. 19th, 2009|01:33 pm]
According to this little article from Scientific American, drinking seven cups of coffee may cause you to hallucinate. Really. If I drink seven cups of coffee, then I'm probably going to be awake way past my bedtime, and when my brain needs sleep, I generally tend to see and hear things that aren't there, because hey... I need sleep. And then there's this:
The scientists also couldn’t confirm that the students had consumed the amount of coffee they claimed they had.

So you can tell that this was a very rigorous study.

-- Schwa ---
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Paul Fonfara of Painted Saints to be playing Fort Collins on December 29th. Go see him. [Dec. 22nd, 2008|09:30 pm]
Paul Fonfara of Painted Saints will be playing a show at Road 34 on Monday, December 29th, (along with Stella Luce which includes Brett and Alana of The Slow Crash) and I encourage anyone who is in Northern Colorado to go. Paul is an accomplished musician who is a former member of local favorites DeVotchka and The Denver Gentlemen. He puts on a hell of a solo show, playing songs with multiple instruments that he will sample from and mix together on stage, including guitar, clarinet, bandoneon, and accordion in a unique mix of spaghetti western and klezmer music. Since I am incapable of writing well about music, I'll quote what another reviewer said at hotindienews.com:
If Disney's Fantasia grew up and released an album, if Golgo Bordello mellowed out and acquired an orchestra, if Morrisey was actually as deep as he wants to think he is, you would have somewhat of an idea of the sound of The Painted Saints.

This reviewer is not exaggerating. THIS IS SCIENTIFIC FACT!

His music makes me weep like a little girl, but granted, so does a weak punch to my shoulder and that episode of Futurama about Fry's dog.

Anyway, go see Paul and Stella Luce. You shan't be disappointed. I never say that about live music, but this time, I make an exception.

-- Schwa ---
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Move Over Cutters [Dec. 16th, 2008|08:23 am]
So would you call these instances body modification or self-inflicted injury? Is body modification about altering your appearance? Because subdermal staples probably aren't noticeable outside of an X-Ray. Is it just about feeling pain and discomfort every time you use your hand and possibly a nasty itch for years to come by exposing yourself to allergic reactions to nickel? Please reread the word "crayon" five times in the source article before you complete your final essay.

-- Schwa ---

(via The Last Psychiatrist)
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So then there's this [Nov. 29th, 2008|03:22 am]
At Comicon this summer, I guess there was a teaser for the sequel of some silly little Disney movie, due out in three years.
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And so... [Nov. 24th, 2008|12:55 am]
[Annoying crap I'm listening to: |Marvin Gaye - What's Going On]

As I have begun applying for jobs, so to must I participate in the magical world of silly self-promotion.
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Fascinating [Nov. 23rd, 2008|11:27 pm]
Grab the book nearest you. Right now.
Turn to page 56.
Find the fifth sentence.
Post that sentence along with these instructions on your LJ.
Don't dig for your favorite book, the coolest, the most intellectual. Use the CLOSEST.

10c 35m 20y 10k
- From Color Index 2
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DJing Tuesday [Nov. 15th, 2008|11:54 pm]
I'll be spinning with DJs Slim Fadey and Ghrimm this coming Tuesday at Suite 152 in Old Town, Fort Collins.



There better be drink specials on rum. Just sayin'.
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Taste the Adventure [Nov. 15th, 2008|10:04 am]

Best Headline EVER!

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